![]() I attended their OCD program and again confronted my fears with exposure and response therapy. I was certain the only way out of the hell of my repetitive thoughts was to kill myself but I hung in there because I knew if I did kill myself, I would have hurt those closest to me. ![]() During this time, I endured two stays at McLean Hospital’s acute unit, each time for a period of two weeks. Recently, because of OCD and depression, I had to take a leave of absence from my job. Though I have made progress with managing my OCD, it continues to be a part of my life. With a desire to pursue a new career, I also began attending night classes. After a year of therapy and the right medications, I returned to work. Reading/listening to them over and over bores the brain by making you confront your fears instead of avoiding them. At MGH I learned about exposure and response therapy, which is effective for treating OCD it helped me tremendously. I would write my thoughts on paper or record them. Though I still had not been diagnosed, I took the initiative to attend a program at Mass General Hospital (MGH) for OCD, and finally I realized that this was in fact what I was suffering from. When I completed college and was preparing to enter law school, I experienced another year of obsessive thoughts and depression. As I did not have outward visible compulsions such as hand-washing (which is commonly associated with OCD), it made it harder for people to understand. ![]() When I tried to explain what was going on in my head, many people thought I was either joking or making it up. Some people even laughed. While at college, I had to take a year off as I experienced frequent panic attacks and could not think straight. Trying to study while being flooded with anxiety was impossible. Any place I had a panic attack I would thereafter avoid which only made the problem worse. It was frightening as I had no idea what was wrong with me, and medical professionals were unable to diagnose my condition. Though the OCD and depression remained undiagnosed, it continued to impact my life. And even then, the symptoms I experienced were difficult to associate with a specific disorder: upset stomach, rapid heart-beat, inability to concentrate, blurry vision, constant fatigue, inability to sleep, racing repetitive thoughts, and no longer finding enjoyment in activities which once brought me joy. Due to this, none of the specialists I saw diagnosed me with depression or OCD. OCD is better understood today than it was 15 years ago when I first began to visit different doctors and psychologists to explain my symptoms. ![]() The anxiety kept me awake and this only made the cycle of torture continue. I’ve spent years besieged by intrusive thoughts where sleep was not even an escape. Waking up to face another day of on-going automatic thoughts is horrific. I know what it’s like to believe recovery is impossible. Now 34, I have endured OCD since high school, including three major episodes coupled with depression and suicidality. Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is treatable and I am living proof. If you are interested in sharing your story you can view submission details at g/ocd-stories. ![]() This story is part of our blog series called “Stories from the OCD Community.” Stories from the community are submitted and edited by Toni Palombi. ![]()
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